I'm about to get real personal here....You've been warned
Since I was about 11 I've been self-conscious about my weight. I've always said I was fat and spent far too much time comparing myself to my mom and sister. All through junior high and high school I would wear baggie sweatshirts and sweaters no matter how hot it was just so I could hide my arms and feel like the more fabric I wore, the less people would notice.
I can remember a specific time where a relative picked me up to shoot a basketball after he picked up my male cousin and he said, "Geez, you weigh more than Josh!"
I was mortified. I know that person didn't mean any harm but I will never forget how
horrible I felt about myself. I wasn't supposed to be heavier than a boy!
Girls are supposed to be delicate and tiny.
As I got older people didn't really make comments directly to me but wherever we went I heard stuff about how tiny my mom and sister were.
"She's definitely got her moms athletic body!" or "Can you believe it!? She can eat anything and she looks like that!"
I always made myself to feel like the outcast in the family. I seemed to take over pictures of the 3 of us and in my mind, ruin photographs.
After high school I stayed at the same weight, maybe going up or down a pound or two and continuing to hate my body.
I would have people tell me I was pretty and I would thank them and in my head wonder if they felt they had to say that because they just told my sister the same thing.
(Me at my heaviest about a month before I met The Boy)
I know, this is all very Debbie Downer of me but it's about to get better!
Today in the shower (told you I was gonna get personal) I realized that I was okay with myself. I realized that I am finally content with how I look and at times, dare I say it, I feel beautiful. Of course,
I can attribute this to the 7 months of feeling horribly ill for reasons still under investigation, resulting in the almost 20 lb weight loss, but I don't.
I deep down in my heart feel that I've matured and come to realize that I will never be a size 0.
Simply because my body is not made that way.
And the best part you ask? I found a man who loves me the way I am and is so supportive of me at any shape or size that I don't have to hate myself anymore.
When we first got engaged Tim wrote me a letter and in it he said, "I cant wait until you are pregnant, not to be creepy, but I think you'll look so cute pregnant!"
This is in no way saying that I wasn't loved unconditionally by my family and friends growing up.
It's just a different kind of love. He chose me. He picked me to spend the rest of his life with because he thinks that I'm beautiful inside and out.
In the last year Tim and I have been interested in becoming more involved with our church
and becoming closer to God as a family. Mariners offers an in-depth "bible study" experience of sorts
that 100's of people are joining and being wonderfully transformed and finding their purpose.
We took this big leap and signed up for Rooted and will be attending the 11 week experience that has been described as intense and life changing.
Last night was our first meeting. We were put into a group of about 18 and we are all married couples.
The 2 leaders told us about what we will be doing and how we will all become so close and fall in love with the people in our group because we will all learn so much about each other and be vulnerable in front of one another.
Some of the things that we will be doing are:
-Serving the community
-3 hours of prayer where we have to pray out loud. (This is the most frightening part for me. I can't even pray aloud in front of Tim let alone 18 others).
-Sharing our testimony with non-believers. Also very scary for me. I don't have a testimony. I have never heard God and I don't know what my purpose is. I'm really hoping that by the end I will have the answers.
It all seems very intense, and will take a lot of dedication for the 11 weeks.
I'm nervous, anxious, and scared but I feel like if I can do this I can do anything and what better person to do it for than God?
Well, we have a new friend here in Lake Elsinore. Gert the bird.
She's a saucy gal who spends her days doing who knows what but always comes home
to settle in for the night above our front door.
She enjoys pooping all over our doorstep and scaring the living daylights out of our visitors.
Anytime you get close to the door whether you're coming or going she swoops down and flutters awkwardly in your face before hiding on the roof till youre gone. It's frightening!
My 2 favorite Gert moments so far are:
1. Devon and Mike came over one night and as they were walking up to the door
Gert swooped down and went straight for them. Devon screamed and ran and
Mike let out a fearful, "Oh SHIT" before trying to catch her.
2. Leah and Kathleen were leaving one night and before I could get the words, "Watch out for..", Gert tried to attack Kathleen's head. If you haven't met Kathleen then you don't know how entertaining something so simple could be.
I've grown to love her and learned to make lots of noise before exiting through
the front. Tim on the other hand hates her and is plotting a way to....let's just say
"Permanently Remove" her.
So this is a warning. If you come over to our house after 6:00 PM, watch out for my girl Gert.
He is loving, thoughtful, silly, and understanding, all qualities of the perfect husband.
Here are 5 things that make him super awesome:
1. He is supportive of anything I want to do and my biggest fan.
2. He tells me I'm beautiful everyday at least once. This morning I woke up to find this on Twitter:
"I wake up next to the most beautiful person ever! :)"
3. Whenever I'm feeling down or sick or bored he always says, "I think you need some ice cream!"
(I guess I should give his parents credit for that one)
4. He sings to me daily. Usually the songs don't make any sense but those are the best ones. A recent diddy went something like this, "My Cuddlebuuuggg, love her today, she's beautiful today, and tomorrow, I like her bangss...oh yeahhhh... Thank you."
5. He's so excited to be a dad someday. He always says stuff like, "Can you imagine a little baby cuddling with us?" or "Imagine holding a baby and it reaches up and touches your face with it's little hand." These thoughts make me melt into a big old puddle.
I've needed to clean my Office/Craft room since we moved in.
It's really embarrassing. I don't like showing people and sometimes I have no where to walk.
Theres unpacked plastic tubs with stuff I obviously don't need because I haven't looked in them
in at least 2 years. Ribbons, Flowers, Fabric, Paper, Beads, Buttons, Glue Sticks and markers are everywhere! It's not a pretty site. (Shut up Devon!) These were actually taken before the wedding so add 3 + more months onto it and you have a disaster zone!
For Christmas my parents gave me the gift of organization!
They bought me cute little canisters, A little cabinet and a multi functioning, rotating cube that has
all sorts of fun features. (A ribbon dispenser!? Yes Please!) They are also going to build me a workstation complete with cabinets and shelves!
Today was the day. I had to make a dent in it. I filled 3 large bags with trash and unwanted items and cleared a large enough space to spin in.
Side Note: Why is it that when a large space is cleared kids
have to spin in it or run in a circle? Like, "Hey, Mom moved the couch to clean the carpet, SPIN!" You did it too.
Anyway, I made progress and even started filling tiny things with even tinier things, which if you know me, you know that I love anything that's tiny.
Here's to a Tidy 2012!
ALSO, Check out Doe Eyed Dear Shop! Lot's of new things!