Mom Guilt

Mom guilt...I've got it.

This pregnancy hasn't been easy on me. The first trimester was plagued with morning sickness that hit me hard in the afternoon and I would spend most evenings crying because I felt it would never go away. Then that went away (with the help of life saving pills) and I was in the second trimester which I was hoping would be this magical time of feeling great with more energy and an awesome glow. 

Unfortunately I skipped over that part and I've been in constant round ligament pain with a clicking pubic bone ever sense. Walking, sitting, laying, rolling over....it's all excruciating. I'm nearing the end of this trimester and I found out I have gestational diabetes again and I'm just over here like, wah, wah, poor me.

But even more disheartening than my own issues is feeling like I'm a crappy mom because Norah has so much energy and I do not. She goes from one activity to the next at lightening speed and I just can't keep up. We do a lot of crafts where I can sit and watch but she needs more. There are days where we can run all of our errands, go to the park, and go for a walk/bike ride and days like today where I'm counting down till bedtime.

I know once the baby is here I'll physically be able to do more but it will be a different type of guilt while I have an even tinier human who depends on me for every need.

So, hey moms! What are your tips and tricks for being the best mom you can be while pregnant/caring for a newborn.

I want to make this transition as smooth as possible for all of us and keep my wild girl stimulated and happy all day.

P.S. Shout out to Tim who, when he isn't working, kills it at being a Dad <3 p="">

The Time Kids at the Park Made Me Cry.

Today I just couldn't bear to play another minute of princesses in the dollhouse so I suggested we go practice riding her bike. As soon as we rounded the corner and saw the park was full of people, she squealed with delight, "My friends! I'm so excited" and she quickly parked her bike next to all of the abandoned scooters and skateboards and made her way over to the first group of kids.

"Hi! I got a bike from Santa, it's over there!"

...nothing.

So she just joined in on their game of chase as happy as could be and they stopped and just stood there staring at her.

I called her over to play in another area where she found a boy a little younger than her and she introduced herself .

...nothing.

So she started telling his mom about how her birthday is coming up and she will be 3 and at her party she will have so many fun things to do.

...nothing.

Then the kids decided it was time to go home and they all ran to their bikes/scooters and decided whose house they were going to play at. Norah quickly ran to her bike and said "Me too! Me too!" and a girl about 7 gives her the dirtiest look and says, "Not you! Mom! Tell her not to come to my house!" and the mom. did. nothing. 

All I could do was tell her in front of them, "I'm so sorry. Sometimes people are rude and don't use their manners" and they just stared at me. I won't be surprised if I end up on the neighborhood Facebook page ::insert eye roll::

As they rode away Norah ran after them asking if she could come play too and when they were out of sight she sat on the curb and put her face in her hands.

My heart broke into a million pieces and I don't know if it's a mom thing or all of these pregnancy hormones surging through my body but I just started sobbing right there in the middle of the park. 

I quickly suggested we go home and paint (something I really didn't want to do but knew she would be excited about).

I cried all the way home and when she asked what was wrong I told her I had hurt my finger and she stopped to comfort me which made me cry more.

This tiny little being drives me crazy all day long and has more attitude than I thought possible but she is so kind and loving and just wants to be friends with everyone. All she wanted was to feel included and she was shut down and at that point I got a glimpse of how kids and parents alike can be rude and she is starting to get life lessons that I'm just not ready for.

The Sweetest Outcome

       "I still remember the days I prayed for the things I have now"

I saw this quote on Instagram recently and I couldn't stop thinking about it. 

How often do we pray fiercely for something our heart desires and when we get it, we forget and can take those things for granted. 

On this day 3 years ago I wrote in my prayer journal..

"Lord, Thank You for our many blessings. Health, Family, Friends, and Each other.

I pray, if it is Your will, that You bless us with a child of our own. I so desperately want to be a mother. Lord, help me to trust in YOUR timing"

Well, we all know how that ended up!

             I highly recommend journaling your prayers so you can look back on them and see how 

God has worked in your life. It's usually not how or when you'd like it, but once the storm has settled, you see that there may have been a reason for it and my outcome was pretty darn sweet.

Toddlers: Big Drama in a Little Body

Today has been one of those days. 

The type where the minute you open your eyes your toddler is just being all toddler-y and the sun isn’t even up. Before 10 am she’s already thrown several tantrums in public all because she wants to wear another moms Ugg’s at her gym class or I won’t let her type on the cash register at Target. 

The type of day you so look forward to the plans you have while she naps like making Toddler muffins before that banana you’ve been saving grows mold and maybe watch that show that’s been recorded and waiting for you.

But toddlers usually have different plans. Like screaming until they finally fall asleep in your arms and every time you try to make the transfer, it’s met with a blood curdling scream. 

So I gave up.

 It’s okay if she doesn’t nap today and the muffins aren’t baked. It’s okay if I eat a handful of chocolate chips even if I had been so successful on my diet. 

It’s okay because “His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning” . Thank goodness for that!

 

Mom-Life

I wear the same shorts everyday paired with a flowy top to hide my leftover mom bod.

My hair is about 80% dry shampoo and tangled on top of my head in a messy bun.

My beauty routine consists of sometimes washing my face.

"I'm going to be that cute, stylish mom", I said at one point. Little did I know even the simplest of things would be difficult and eventually not even seem worth it anymore.

I have that cute dress in the closet with the tags still on it..the one I bought to make myself feel better about my new body. I have that cute, trendy, Madewell neck scarf that I've tried to wear a couple times but feel like I'm not "cool" enough to pull off anymore.

When I see that wonderfully put together mom at the mall with her baby wearing a matching sundress and sandals with mommy and baby mala bead necklaces and darling headwraps I wonder why I can't get myself to take more pride in my appearance.

When it comes down to it, my daughters style is on point and I just look like a slob kabob.

Any moms out there feel me? 

How do you make sure you feel good about yourself and not lose who you once were?

Catching Up

It's been awhile since I've posted here so I thought I'd do a little update to summarize the beginning of 2015.

I finally got the diagnosis I'd been searching for since 2011. I had suspected something was wrong with my thyroid all this time because I was left to do all of my own research after way too many doctors and specialists couldn't help me. 

It took a visit to an Infertility Specialist to tell me even though on paper my hormone levels were "normal", they were far from normal for me. He put me on medication for Hypothyroidism until I could see another Endocrinologist who confirmed my levels were very off and that I had Hashimotos Disease. Hashimotos is an autoimmune disease that causes your immune system to attack your thyroid like it would a virus. 

I cannot even tell you the relief I felt. Finally! Someone took the time to listen to me and take what I was saying seriously. I've spent all these years thinking I was crazy. So many symptoms with no answers leading me to believe it was all in my head. I felt crazy and I felt selfish. Why couldn't I control this and why was I letting it take over my life? I felt so bad for Tim. He didn't sign up for this. I didn't want to be a depressed, anxious, hypochondriac wife. 

Although the medicine will take time to start working and  it may take awhile to find the right dosage I'm feeling hopeful. I've had a couple of bad days where I've felt worse than I ever did but after doing some research I found that can be normal. Today was one of those days and I've just been feeling so down. 

It's nice to know that I'm not alone and to read stories of hope and healing. I found this blog post and it just sums up everything.

Hi.  My name is Hashimoto's.  I'm an invisible autoimmune disease that attacks your thyroid gland causing you to become hypothyroid.
I am now velcroed to you for life.  If you have hypothyroidism, you probably have me. I am the number one cause of it in the U.S. and many other places around the world.
I'm so sneaky--I don't always show up in your blood work.
Others around you can't see me or hear me, but YOUR body feels me.
I can attack you anywhere and any way I please.
I can cause severe pain or, if I'm in a good mood, I can just cause you to ache all over.
Remember when you and energy ran around together and had fun?
I took energy from you, and gave you exhaustion. Try to have fun now.
I can take good sleep from you and in its place, give you brain fog and lack of concentration.
I can make you want to sleep 24/7, and I can also cause insomnia.
I can make you tremble internally or make you feel cold or hot when everyone else feels normal.
I can also give you swollen hands and feet, swollen face and eyelids, swollen everything.
I can make you feel very anxious with panic attacks or very depressed.  I can also cause other mental health problems. You know crazy mood swings? That's me. Crying for no reason? Angry for no reason? That's probably me too.
I can make your hair fall out, become dry and brittle, cause acne, cause dry skin, the sky is the limit with me.
I can make you gain weight and no matter what you eat or how much you exercise, I can keep that weight on you. I can also make you lose weight. I don't discriminate.
Some of my other autoimmune disease friends often join me, giving you even more to deal with.
If you have something planned, or are looking forward to a great day, I can take that away from you. You didn't ask for me. I chose you for various reasons:
That virus or viruses you had that you never really recovered from, or that car accident, or maybe it was the years of abuse and trauma (I thrive on stress.) You may have a family history of me. Whatever the cause, I'm here to stay.
I hear you're going to see a doctor to try and get rid of me. That makes me laugh.  Just try. You will have to go to many, many doctors until you find one who can help you effectively.
You will be put on the wrong medication for you, pain pills, sleeping pills, energy pills, told you are suffering from anxiety or depression, given anti-anxiety pills and antidepressants.
There are so many other ways I can make you sick and miserable, the list is endless - that high cholesterol, gall bladder issue, blood pressure issue, blood sugar issue, heart issue among others? That's probably me.
Can't get pregnant, or have had a miscarriage?
That's probably me too.
Shortness of breath or "air hunger?" Yep, probably me.
Liver enzymes elevated? Yep, probably me.
Teeth and gum problems? TMJ?
Hives? Yep, probably me.
I told you the list was endless. 
You may be given a TENs unit, get massaged, told if you just sleep and exercise properly I will go away.
You'll be told to think positively, you'll be poked, prodded, and MOST OF ALL, not taken seriously when you try to explain to the endless number of doctors you've seen, just how debilitating I am and how ill and exhausted you really feel.  In all probability you will get a referral from these 'understanding'  (clueless) doctors, to see a psychiatrist.
Your family, friends and co-workers will all listen to you until they just get tired of hearing about how I make you feel, and just how debilitating I can be.
Some of them will say things like "Oh, you are just having a bad day" or "Well, remember, you can't do the things you use to do 20 YEARS ago", not hearing that you said 20 DAYS ago.
They'll  also say things like,  "if you just get up and move, get outside and do things, you'll feel better." They won't understand that I take away the 'gas' that powers your body and mind to ENABLE you to do those things.
Some will start talking behind your back, they'll call you a hypochondriac, while you slowly feel that you are losing your dignity trying to make them understand, especially if you are in the middle of a conversation with a "normal" person, and can't remember what you were going to say next. You'll be told things like, "Oh, my grandmother had that, and she's fine on her medication" when you desperately want to explain that I don't impose myself upon everyone in the exact same way, and just because that grandmother is fine on the medication SHE'S taking, doesn't mean it will work for you.
They will not understand that having this disease impacts your body from the top of your head to the tip of your toes, and that every cell and every body system and organ requires the proper amount and the right kind of of thyroid hormone medication for YOU.
Not what works for someone else.
The only place you will get the kind of support and understanding in dealing with me is with other people that have me. They are really the only ones who can truly understand.
I am Hashimoto's Disease.

Jenna Lopez

That's Life

As I type this it is 6 days till we move everything from our 5 bedroom home into our new 2 bedroom apartment. 

Somewhere in between there we have a birthday party and a wedding and my head is spinning!

The last couple of weeks have been a whirlwind...packing, lugging furniture downstairs, taking crap to storage by the car full on a weekly basis , a fractured ankle for Tim followed by "Oh, It's not a fractured ankle", 1  bout of food poisoning for him, a 2 day yard sale, getting our bridesmaid and groomsmen outfits together, and now a bed ridden husband battling some sort of bug.

I have the battle wounds to prove it.

When it rains, it pours ....In fact, it's actually pouring right now but its still 105 degrees out. 

In the end it will all be worth it and when doubt and worry starts to set in I remember:

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; 

His mercies never come to an end;

They are new every morning;

Great is your faithfullness"

Lamentations 3:22-23

Praying for a fresh, healthy start in the morning!

Moving Right Along

In 33 days we will be Orange County residents!

Source

I can't even believe it. We've talked about it FOREVER and always said that we would start getting serious about it at the beginning of next year. One day Tim said to me, "What are we waiting for?" 

There really was nothing to wait for. 

We spend a lot of time out there already. Our church is there, Our Friends are there and we just had an overwhelming feeling that we were "home" when we were there. We really loved living in Long Beach and after moving we never fully adjusted to our area, but Irvine is the perfect spot.

I've said this numerous times, but I never thought this would happen so quickly!

We spent a Sunday looking at places and fell in love with a roomy apartment with a small home feel (Our current home is entirely too big for us). To ensure we didn't jump into it without weighing our options we continued searching but couldn't stop thinking about "The One".  The amenities and community alone are to die for! We went back and put a hold on our new home.

On our drive back to Lake Elsinore I must have gone through every emotion possible: Excitement, Fear, Sadness, and back to Excitement. We started a pros and cons list and there were definitely more pros but I'm entirely too sentimental when it comes to certain things. Luckily we will still have our house here because we are renting it out, but I thought of all the little things like Linus' spot on the stairs and his backyard that he grew up in and knows every square inch. Not to mention my craft room, my glorious craft room! My heart gets heavier and heavier the more I think about it.

BUT....There's always a but. Irvine feels like home, we have so much there already and at the end of the day, Tim and Linus are my home. We will make new memories and Linus will find a new spot and we will all be so happy. 

I'm thinking of it as a fresh start. This new place could be where we finally start a family and that's pretty exciting. 

The next month is going to be hectic and I'm sure overwhelming at times but it will all be worth it when we can take a spur of the moment walk on the beach. 

Summer Time

It's pretty much officially Summer in my book. 

My mission is to make this Summer like no other.

That means:

-Mini Vacations

-Pool Time

-Girls Trips

-Beach Days

-Hanging out with friends

-Beach Camping

-Sun Tans

-Blonde Hair

-Weddings

-Exploring New Places

-Messy Hair

-Sun Dresses

-Birthdays

To me this Summer also represents something more meaningful. In my heart I truly believe this could be our last Summer as just the two of us. I hope and pray it is anyway. I want to enjoy it and make tons of memories. Stop worrying so much, say yes to things that scare me, and take care of myself.

Summer 2014, I'm ready for ya!

Taking Stock

The longer I wait in between posts the harder it is to get back into it.

I saw this whole "Taking Stock" idea here and decided it would be a great way to catch up and maybe break the ice again.

Source

Making : A lot of random things! One day I'm making decorations for a surf themed party and the next day it's angel wings for a baby! 

Cooking : Chicken and Rice for Linus. He's having issues and we're hoping this bland diet will help. He's in Heaven!

Drinking : Lot's of water hoping to have a successful blood draw tomorrow.

Reading: Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

Wanting: The perfect vintage inspired swimsuit

Looking: Forward to a little getaway next week!

Playing: Not really playing anything....We recently went through a Uno phase though

Wasting: A lot of time driving around to find supplies.

Sewing: Debating whether or not I want to buy a dress thats too long and hem it.

Wishing: I could stick to a routine!

Enjoying: All of the Jenna Leslye Designs requests I'm getting. IT'S WEDDING SEASON!

Waiting: for all the weddings we are attending this year.

Liking: The #100happydays project

Wondering: Why Linus has been chewing his feet all week

Loving: All of the exciting trips and events that are coming up!

Hoping:All of my tests come back normal and we will soon be parents

Needing: To go to the gym!

Smelling:Anthros Capri Blue Volcano candle

Wearing: Shorts because it's 95 degrees!! Yikes!

Knowing: That even though marriage can be tough sometimes, we're better together.

Thinking: That I should have never watched that one episode of Greys Anatomy. That show is intense!

Feeling: Anxious...always anxious

Giggling: Over the fact that I get to be a BRIDESMAID! I'm so excited you guys! It's on my bucket list.

A Hot and Cold Weekend

This weekend was hot and humid followed by dark, gloomy with a cold wind and light rain.

Monsoons are the best.

Even better was the feeling of fall. Dark clouds, cool air, and the smell of rain.

Fall is definitely my favorite and I'm holding out a lot of hope for that season.

No pressure, man.

Source

It feels like we spent the whole weekend running errands. Saturday I had to go to several places to pick up supplies for some orders I'm working on. I cant forget the stop at the cupcake shop. I tried a "Love Bunny" which is carrot cake with a pineapple cream cheese frosting. I was so full from lunch but you better believe I finished that bad boy in the Joanns parking lot.We also did some major grocery shopping. Have I mentioned that I HATE grocery shopping. Once I get in those doors I'm on a mission to get everything on my list as fast as possible ( I usually forget something).

Sunday we ran more errands like Costco and a specialty market for some Pepita nuts and Coconut milk. We were also on a mission to find Twinkies. We went to 3 stores together and the boy went to 5 all together with no luck. I don't even remember the last time I had a Twinkie but those little suckers must be delicious.

I also made the decision to change the name of my shop. Doe Eyed Dear has been good to me but I'm hoping Jenna Leslye Designs will be even more successful. I have lots of ideas in the works.

Hope everyone had a great weekend!

Lost and Found

Aha! We found them! 

My black glasses that is. They've been missing since October and I was almost certain they were left behind during our mad dash out of New York. Damn you Hurricane Sandy! 

For 8 months I've been wearing the same pair of brown cat eye glasses with every outfit.

Can you imagine the fashion faux pas!? I kid. I love those brown cat eye glasses. I get tons of compliments on them. The other day a girl even said, "OMG! I lyke love your glasses! They're so...Old time-y" Hmm....

Where have they been hiding for almost a year you ask? Under the bed of course. Or shall I call it Linus' Den of Destruction...

Let's just say we could open up our own document shredding business.

But I am still missing a bra. I'm totally convinced that's floating in the Hudson or something. I couldn't be held responsible for what made it off that smelly New Jersey ferry and into the city.