Thursday, January 26, 2012

Long Time Coming.

I'm about to get real personal here....You've been warned

Since I was about 11 I've been self-conscious about my weight. I've always said I was fat and spent far too much time comparing myself to my mom and sister. All through junior high and high school I would wear baggie sweatshirts and sweaters no matter how hot it was just so I could hide my arms and feel like the more fabric I wore, the less people would notice.
I can remember a specific time where a relative picked me up to shoot a basketball after he picked up my male cousin and he said, "Geez, you weigh more than Josh!"
I was mortified. I know that person didn't mean any harm but I will never forget how
horrible I felt about myself. I wasn't supposed to be heavier than a boy!
Girls are supposed to be delicate and tiny.

As I got older people didn't really make comments directly to me but wherever we went I heard stuff about how tiny my mom and sister were.
"She's definitely got her moms athletic body!" or "Can you believe it!? She can eat anything and she looks like that!"

I always made myself to feel like the outcast in the family. I seemed to take over pictures of the 3 of us and in my mind, ruin photographs.

After high school I stayed at the same weight, maybe going up or down a pound or two and continuing to hate my body.
I would have people tell me I was pretty and I would thank them and in my head wonder if they felt they had to say that because they just told my sister the same thing.

(Me at my heaviest about a month before I met The Boy)

I know, this is all very Debbie Downer of me but it's about to get better!

Today in the shower (told you I was gonna get personal) I realized that I was okay with myself. I realized that I am finally content with how I look and at times, dare I say it, I feel beautiful. Of course,
I can attribute this to the 7 months of feeling horribly ill for reasons still under investigation, resulting in the almost 20 lb weight loss, but I don't.

I deep down in my heart feel that I've matured and come to realize that I will never be a size 0.
Simply because my body is not made that way.
And the best part you ask? I found a man who loves me the way I am and is so supportive of me at any shape or size that I don't have to hate myself anymore.
When we first got engaged Tim wrote me a letter and in it he said, "I cant wait until you are pregnant, not to be creepy, but I think you'll look so cute pregnant!"
Unconditional love.

This is in no way saying that I wasn't loved unconditionally by my family and friends growing up.
It's just a different kind of love. He chose me. He picked me to spend the rest of his life with because he thinks that I'm beautiful inside and out.
That is a wonderful thing.

(Me on the happiest day of my life)

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