When are you going to have kids?

That's the question that we get quite often. It starts as soon as you get married and with each passing season more and more people ask. I'm not saying its an issue, because that's just what people do, but if I had to answer honestly, it would be, "We've been trying for the last two years".

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We always knew that we wanted kids. Tim said it was when he was 5 that he dreamed of being a husband and a dad. Me? Well, not quite that early but in the last 8 years or so I've really come to believe that motherhood was my calling. 

January 1, 2012 was the day we decided that whatever happened happened and I became baby crazy. I compiled a name list, had nursery colors picked out, read all of the baby blogs out there. It was all babies all the time.

Four months later I ended up having a large ovarian cyst removed and I figured, "Hey, that was the culprit! It will be any time now!" And I continued to hope and dream as friends and family and every other person on the internet fell pregnant with their own little blessings.

Every month I had the symptoms and I can't even tell you how many pregnancy tests I took in hopes that this next one would be THE ONE. Nobody prepares you for the psychological mind junk that comes along with it. It hadn't been that long but when you decide you're ready, you're ready NOW and I never expected that it would be difficult. I mean, all these teenagers are doing it, why should I have a problem? Me, in my loving, committed, stable marriage.

Eight months into our journey I was having an exceptionally cruddy week (Since about 2011 I've never really felt like myself health wise so this wasn't too alarming) and I took tons of tests all showing negative. A couple days later I woke up with the weirdest feeling ever and I just had this nagging feeling to try again. Lo and Behold PREGNANT popped up on the test! I had to adjust my eyes to be sure that's really what I saw. I woke Tim up and showed him right away even though I always planned that I would find some cute, pinterest worthy way of sharing the news. We decided that we wouldn't tell anyone  for awhile and that day I ran out and bought all the books. It was really happening and we were happy, but shocked and I don't think it really sunk in and now I know why.

About a week later I was hanging out with my mom and sister and I started bleeding. I ran upstairs to call Tim and broke into tears. I was so scared and had no other choice but to tell my mom and sister. Thank goodness they were there because even though Tim rushed home, being alone would have been awful. Another week went by and it just got worse. When I finally saw the doctor he apologized and sent me on my way to endure the awfulness that the next two days would hold. 

It's been a rough journey and losing that pregnancy scared me for a couple months but we never stopped wanting for a baby of our own. We've tried different things and the doctor offered us different fertility options but I never wanted to give up hope that we could do this on our own.  A year after the miscarriage I started to lose hope. People that were pregnant in the beginning were now on their second pregnancy and I was starting to feel worse about our situation. 

Here we are today approaching the 2 year mark and after lots of praying and talking it through and even more longing for a bundle of joy, we've decided to take the next step in our infertility journey. 

I know so many people struggle with this and have been on this journey, some for many years and my heart goes out to you.  This is all part of our story and I know that when or if God blesses us with a family of our own, we will be stronger for going through this.

I hope and pray that 2014 will be our year, the year we grow our family.