Thursday, May 10, 2012

Pity, Party of 1

Warning: This post will be a total pity party. I try not to use my blog as a negative outlet but I need
to give my poor husband a little break. You've been warned.

Today I had my post-op appointment and found out the cyst that was removed is benign. Yay!
I saw the pictures and it was gross. So gross I almost couldn't eat lunch. So gross I had to post it on Instagram to show everyone how gross it was. I'll spare you guys.

So that is all said and done. Last week I felt like I had more energy and more motivation than I've felt in a long time which I attributed to the lack of foreign blob in my body. This week it's back. I've probably cried more this week than I have the last couple of months. I'm just so tired of this.
Tired of waking up at not wanting to open my eyes because I dont know if I'm going to feel sick that day. Tired of new symptoms popping up like weeds. Tired of being sick and tired. I honestly don't remember what it feels like to be 100% and that scares me. I told Tim last night that I feel like he got a bad deal. Like marrying me was comparable to buying a lame racehorse that would eventually have to be put down. He puts up with so much. Do you know what it's like to spend your days with someone who is sick, or afraid of being sick, or anticipating getting sick? He does.  I try my best to always tell him how thankful I am for him and what a great husband he turned out to be ( I'm not surprised, he was an amazing boyfriend too).

Before last year I had never even had blood drawn, since I was a baby of course.
Now I've had tests, needles and tubes, extractions, procedures, anesthesia (too many times in a year), and pills....oh the pills. Don't get me started on those things. 

If I could go back to this day in 2009, when we first started dating, I would tell myself to slow down and appreciate the little things.

That day was probably one of the best. I had never felt so happy with someone, and happy with myself. If only I could've bottled it up just to take a sip or two on the days that were about to come.

I'm finding myself asking, "Why me?" all too often. I would be overjoyed to just have to deal with anxiety and depression again. That stuff was minor leagues compared to this! I get angry with myself because I am so blessed with the wonderful life and people that I have. That should be enough. I just want to be well enough to enjoy this time I have here. God has a purpose for this. I'm not sure what it is, but I can't question him.

Whew! That's my rant. Hopefully I won't have another one for a long while. 

If you've made it this far I congratulate you on your patience and endurance :)


  1. I know EXACTLY how you feel. Geez, I love blogging for this reason, being able to understand and know what people are going through.
    I've been a sickly one all my life. If it's not a migraine, it's a sinus infection. If it's not that it's my stomach. Or just my anxiety getting the best of me. I feel bad having to put others through my pain so I often keep it to myself but when I can't get out of bed I feel hopeless.
    The other day I was having these strange stomach craps. I prayed so hard that they would go away and they did! I'm so thankful for my life but I often get aggravated that illness plagues me.

    Sorry for that whole story :) But best of luck to you Jenna!

    1. Thanks for sharing your story! It's rough but life must go on :) (Thats what I tell myself anyway)

  2. I don't know if I'm allowed to leave comments on your blog. Just know that I took it serious when I said "in sickness and in health" and I've never thought for a second that any of this inconvenienced me. I hope that for your sake you don't have to deal with this stuff for long. No matter what happens, we do this together hand-in-hand. I love you, cuddlebug :)

  3. aww. fregin cute ^.

    I know how you feel. My husband deals w/me daily. And I always tell him maybe he'd be somewhere further in his life if it wasn't for me.
    I deal with endometriosis, peripheral neuropathy, and fibro every fregin day! It was the year I moved in with my hubs - about 6 years ago. That's when I felt healthy. And i very much agree I should have enjoyed that time more and slowed down. Now there are times where my memories are a blur from all those pills. I do want a baby - full term pregnancy - i just need to make sure I'm healthy enough. Hope you do the same. And I believe God did this to make us stronger. It just stinks while it's happening. You can do this. Just keep saying that. Lots of hugs!